My Bloody Diary

Starlet

[Dec. 3rd, 2006|12:37 am]

[

music

clan of xymox - medusa

]

Hey you. Yeah you. There isn't a lot of time left. I'd say 27 BLACK OUT. The stars still shine and we're both still alive. I know you'll come see me when I'm cold and alone, even if you can't now. You've watched me for a long time try to find the reasons why, until the day you became the reason why. Right now I'm probably the furthest thing from your mind, and it's selfish for me to wish otherwise. It's selfish for me to want you the way you were and not the way you are now. In a place where I pretend I am in control, and I can laugh off the stares and ignore the desparation, I draw stars on the walls. They used to make you smile...my stars. Now they make others smile, but I'll always remember when I first saw them twinkling in your eyes. You could call it a way of copeing, or else it's just a way to pass the time.

Medusa

[Nov. 29th, 2006|03:32 am]

[

music

clan of xymox - medusa

]

I want something new. Why? Maybe because i feel old. Maybe because i sit here every night pretending to be happy and content about a wasted life. Thursday i'll go out and spend 200 dollars on clothes provided by my parents. That should help. Maybe something to go with my complexion. Maybe something expensive just to rip apart at the seams with time or madness. Maybe i'll go somewhere and parade myself around like it's some fucking holiday. Or i'll just stay inside, itching in my new threads, trying to keep the cold away. I wonder, if a being like medusa could exist, would her snake hair just be for effect? Or does each of venemous tendrils have a mind of it's own that thinks and haunts the dreams of a once beautiful and proud woman.

I found the lies in your words
And now
I am gloryfing my tragic destiny
Dreams can be hard and mean
I still wonder if you are aware of this
Dreams can be hard and mean
Life is a tormented time, now
medusa medusae

[Nov. 13th, 2006|05:20 am]

[

music

The Smashing Pumpkins - Annie Dog

]

So...
Life's taken a fucked up turn, i guess. Sometimes people start to creep me out. Those everyday people, or those every other day people. Or those that used to be everyday people that want to cling and not move on. Move on. And then there are the strangers. Intrigue. Look at who made me smile today, and look who made me turn away. I could fill a wine bottle with her tears, and write a book about her fears.

pretty face
ugly mouth
bitter bred
and so released
amphetamine
annie dog
has a leash
and a face

happy hallowe'en

[Oct. 8th, 2006|01:34 am]

[

music

tori amos - pandora's aquarium

]

it's officially oktobur. when the mainstream starts to show it's dark side. this year i feel a little let down in a way. spending all my time in darkened rooms and wandering around at night just makes this month less appealing. where have all the pumpkins gone? long time passing. i went to the drug store. i used to love doing that around this time of year. i just couldn't splurge on plastic crap like i used to. we used to have so much fun...didn't we? moon, sun, stars, the cold air. everything is dying again. the world is becoming a shade of grey under the clouds, or a stain of brown under a clear sky. i walked this way and that way the other day and found my wine bottle that was carelessly discarded amongst the stones. i said "hello."

line me up in single file with all your grievances
i stare but i can taste you're still alive below the waste
ripples come and ripples go and ripple back to me

PATTERN

[Oct. 2nd, 2006|11:46 pm]

[

music

the smiths - asleep

]

I've spent a lot of time just trying to forget everything. In fact, I've spent so much time doing this, I've actually forgotten many things. I used to think I was an elephant. Now I just look like one. Sometimes I see pink elephants. It scares me to have forgotten what people look like. You take things for granted, like somebody's laughter. What I wouldn't give to hear even one lost friend laugh again. A laugh can make you smile. PATTERN. Forquet was right. He always is. Life is just patterns repeating themselves. And you can call yourself wise, or psychic, or whatever. Or you can know everything has happend before in one form or another. It will happen again, and again, I guess until you're dead. Then it will happen to someone else.

[Sep. 25th, 2006|04:11 pm]

[

music

New Order - Shell Shock

]

Never had I felt so loved than yesterday. All I wanted was to be alone yet people feel the need to ask for my company. I guess I can't blame them. I did everything I could to avoid people and lurk in the shadows anyway, and for the most part it worked. Halloween is coming up and I have nothing to wear as far as costumes or even clothes in general. Everything I have is in tatters and I keep tricking myself into thinking it looks cool. All I want to do is sleep and that's really all I have been doing. I dream of people in wizard of Oz fashion, but I neglect to tell them, because really, wtf does it matter if they are in your dreams. They used to mean something to me but now it just seems like my brain vomiting.

lost another one

[Sep. 5th, 2006|07:58 pm]

[

music

joy division - she's lost control

]

let's just hope for a moment, that the individual in question doesn't follow through with this plan. it's still hard for me to understand why somebody would sell themselves to the united states government. it is not the cure all or the save all. you can make something of yourself if you really want to and you don't need to join the military to do it. at the end of the day, i'm probably just bitter because it's another person gone. and it's another person in front of and behind the gun.

summer stench

[Aug. 21st, 2006|11:08 pm]

[

music

the cure - catch/torture

]

It's already what...the 22nd? And still no cure cds. what the fuck is going on?!?! and the internet is no help. i would adore a remastered copy of head on the door. way back (when) i put most of the album onto my computer, with a few exceptions that i now regret (the blood). i wouldn't mind a remastered copy of the top either. now that just leaves kiss me kiss me kiss me. probably the only album before disintegration that i never really gave a chance. sure it's everything i want it to be, but there's just too much other stuff to fill my head with. it's always been that way with kiss meX3. maybe i'll get that one first...if it will only just get to my local music store.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

C A T C H
Yes I know who you remind me of
A girl I think I used to know
Yes I'd see her when the day got colder
On those days when it felt like snow

You know I even think that she stared like you
She used to just stand there and stare
And roll her eyes right up to heaven
And make like I just wasn't there

And she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling
Again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But I never even caught her name

And sometimes we would spend the night
Just rolling about on a floor
And I remember
Even though it felt soft at the time
I always used to wake up sore

You know I even think that she smiled like you
She used to just stand there and smile
And her eyes would go all sort of far away
And stay like that for quite a while

And I remember she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling
Again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But I never even caught her name

Yes I sometimes even tried to catch her
But I never even caught her name

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

oh it's torture but i'm almost dead. but i'm not in a room without a light or a room without a view. and nobody is here with me. i'm in a world without a sun and all i can see is a land of nobodies.

a ceremony again

[Aug. 4th, 2006|08:39 pm]

[

music

new order - ceremony

]

This is why events un-nerve me
They find it all a different story
Notice whom for wheels are turning
Turn again and turn towards this time
All she asks is the strength to hold me
Then again the same old story
Word will travel - oh so quickly
Travel first and lean towards this time

I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Watching her, these things she said
The times she cried, too frail to wake this time

The final verse is taken from Still
I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Avenues all lined with trees
Picture me and then you start watching
Watching forever - watching forever
Watching love grow - forever
Letting me know - forever

itchy

[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:46 am]

[

music

the cure - wailing wall

]

i think i'm going insane. i'm on some fucked up steroid medication for hives and it's making me want to just run naked through the night streets screaming for the itching to stop. i think i'm going to lay off the anti-histamine, even though everyone says it's suppose to help...IT DOESN'T. It seems to just make the itching worse and the hives explode. Maybe i should have gone dancing tonight...i don't look like a leper anymore and i'm just bouncing around anyway.

i'm trying not to listen to the top because its being re released in august. i just can't help it. i think the album says a lot about my current situations, i'm itchy, i want to dance, i love her, i want to be fucked up, and nothing makes sense.

From the mouths of babes

[Jul. 18th, 2006|01:03 am]

[

music

truth or dare - madonna

]

My 14 year old nephew called me on the "goth" thing today.
i really didn't have words and found myself kind of staggering. He said i looked like all of the bands that he's growing up worshiping (my chemical romance, fallout boy, etc). I immediately had to say that with all the dark aesthetic that these new bands have, they do not play anything remotely close to "goth" music. He then asked, "what is this goth i speak of?" but i couldn't help but laugh. I like the way i dress, i like the things i listen to, and i generally surround myself with dark aesthetics, but it bothers me that he would think that i'm trying to emulate a look on his teeny rock channels. I gave him a sampling of what i like from my hardrive...the cure, clan of xymox, etc. then he went through it and started naming off bands like the birthday massacre, specimen, or just things that seemed off key to him. He asked "why do you listen to all of this; it isn't happy." With a quick click he did a search for slipknot and said "you'll like this stuff, it's goth." NOT. But then I had to stop because i'm not here to educate anyone on the way i look and what i listen to. I don't even consider myself goth, i consider myself troubled, dark, brooding, in despair, null and void, dull, addicted, broken, and alone. This all came about because of the RasputinA concert on thursday. I told him i was going to it and he asked "is that one of you goth things?" again, no? I just want to see this band that i love and has a special place in my heart. They came to me at a time when i was young and it meant something to me.

1 comment|post comment

[Jul. 16th, 2006|02:36 am]

[	Current Location	\|	bed	]
[	music	\|	clan of xymox - michelle	]

Hauntingly by Clan of Xymox:

Back Door
I am shrouded in darkness
I crouched in wasted years
I lingered, I can’t get through
Dazzled between far and near
Like the elegies relate to days beyond recall
I lingered in many memories

And again I stumbled through the back door
Seeing you, a misty shadow
I feel my repression
I can’t go on
And again I am falling backwards
Tomorrow I will be here again
A silent mute of a black desire
Tomorrow I will be here again
Tomorrow i’ll be here again
Be here again
Be here again

I am tired of tears and laughter
Or what may come hereafter
I am weary of days and hours
Desires, dreams and powers
Although it makes me weep
It is you
I wanna keep
I wanna keep

I told dave that I never wanted to be one of those 12 step losers, or one who hopelessly devotes his life to a substitue for the drugs, replacing them with god or crochet. What i'm starting to realize, watching a friend go through recovery, is that the booze and the drugs were a substitute for something i've lost. how many times did i take something just to forget. how many times did i drink just to be sane. this person that used to feel so much, this person that used to let others fill him with joy, love, and hate, this person that used to be me has been trying to destroy himself and everything he once cared about. I don't like to think i've totally succeeded, and i don't think time alone would have gotten me here today in one peice, still alive. I guess a choice has to be made: If i care enough to still precieve those around me. If i want to try to remember what i love, what i've lost. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of trying to stuff my life with everything and everything just to get better, just to find her again, just to be able to find a moment of peace. I must fight this sickness...find a cure...

Hotel Madness

[Jun. 14th, 2006|07:25 pm]

[

music

Bizzare love triangle - new order

]

I'm sitting in a hotel room on my friends computer. I want my life to go from hotel room to hotel room. In order for this to happen i have to be the kind of person that travels a lot. Or i could be in a band and play the wood block or something. I really like hotel rooms. I just don't want my life to grace hotel rooms when you're at some random fuck encounter. Hmm. I could judge how well i'm doing in life by the hotel room i'm in. Presidential sweet at the radison to cockaroach cracks in the wall. How bizzare. I love you.

elementalist

[May. 30th, 2006|04:48 pm]

[

music

the cure - the caterpillar

]

the last few days have been spent outside. i guess i needed it more than anything after spending month after month in my room, occasionally stepping out to dance with ghosts or wander through darkened minds. i feel very in touch with nature all of a sudden and i can forget the horrors of the world for a moment.
earth: sowing seeds...corn and pumpkins
fire: chopping wood and burning it at dusk
air: sending smoke into the twilight with various herbs and flowers found in the shady corners of the property
water: giving the plants around the area water, and my seeds of sunflowers, corn and pumpkins.

caterpillar girl...

Say hello on a day like today

[May. 27th, 2006|11:56 pm]

[

music

alice cooper - clones (we're all)

]

what an uneventful weekend. i made a fire today though, burning random stuff i found in the shady corners of the yard. i need a new obsession. i need a new life.

[May. 22nd, 2006|08:58 pm]

[

music

bauhaus - the man with the x ray eyes

]

why is it so fucking cold? it's so cold that the usual blanket of fur coat doesn't even work right. christopher lee was born today. sometimes i forget how much i like him. dracula, king haggard, count dooku, saruman, take your pick, christopher lee is my hero. i'm trying to figure out why nobody wrote a song about him. i reserched him and bela lugosi, trying to make a comparative analysis and found out some interesting facts about both:

Lee:
-was friends with J.R.R.Tolkien
-is so versed on the lore of middle earth that people on the set of LOTR often consulted him.
-has starred in over 200 movies usually typecasted as the villain
-alive

Lugosi
-actually comes from eastern europe and they used his original accent in dracula
-starred almost exclusivly in horror movies, many of which used his name just to get people into the theater no matter if the movie sucked or not
-died in his seventies despite a drug addiction (morphine)
-dead

these are just a few facts and i couldn't really compare the two as well as i like to. the only reason i tried was because they both starred as dracula, but i'll always think the best dracula is gary oldman. as much as i hate to admit it i'd watch any christopher lee movie (with the exception of james bond) before any hammer horror movie starring lugosi. i guess people only write songs about dead drug addict under achieving tools and not successful gemini actors. go figure.

[May. 22nd, 2006|09:09 am]

[

music

rasputina - watch t.v.

]

i lost my remote control a little while ago and as a result i haven't been watching television. now, i've wanted to watch less tv, because most of the time all that is on are people crying on reality shows. if it's not that then it's the news, barking about how everything sucks and nobody is doing anything to make it better. of course there are cartoons and re-runs and networks that have syndicated certain tv stars into a comfortable life. i wonder, if they sit in their houses and watch themselves every night.

(no subject)	[May. 21st, 2006\|12:00 am]
everything sucks and the faith i have been building has shattered. start again, start at the bottom, start over just to fail. i'm only starting to realize the difference between a mark and a smudge. i will wake up and go to work tomorrow and pray that someone walks in with a gun. some guy said that he was going to shoot me today. i asked him where and when, and he replied he was just joking.
link	1 comment\|post comment

[May. 18th, 2006|06:15 pm]

[

music

david bowie - moonage daydream

]

i'm actually happy and a little stupid-excited about the horror prom tomorrow. i never went to my prom but if i did i'd dress up like frankenstein's monster anyway. i don't care if i'm not 7 feet tall and made up of different body parts. i couldn't find a suitable girl-date so i guess i'm just going stag or with my hip attachment.